I don't know you anymore
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: Away back to a life without you, a life full of regrets and a life that will forever be haunted by the image of you and want I could still have.


**I don't know you anymore**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:- **Jean/Mr Innocent

**Rating:- **K

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **Away back to a life without you, a life full of regrets and a life that will forever be haunted by the image of you and want I could still have.

**Author's Note:- **Lyrics from "I don't know you any more" by Savage Garden short and angsty sorry about that. Reviews would still be lovely!

_I would like to visit you for a while get away from the city  
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break_

The shock in your voice is undisguised as I ask if I can call round and I know you want to say no, to tell me to go to hell but you won't. You don't. Of the two of us you were always the nicer, when you could and often should tell people to get out of your face, your life even, you never did. You always give people the benefit of the doubt even me even now when I don't deserve it. You always gave me one last chance, one last contact, one last nod to the two decades of marriage. Always. Until that last time.

_We can go sit on your back porch relax and talking anything  
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.  
_

"I could bring a bottle of wine, we could try to talk about other things, work, Chris, even the weather if it would help."

"Don't Richard, come if you want, if there's something you need to say, but don't try to turn it into something it's not." With a click on the other end you're gone and in spite of myself and you I lift the wine anyway. I just need to be in your company no matter how much it hurts. I need to remember what I threw away and hope that maybe you're a little closer to forgiving me even if I've accepted that forgiveness can't save what we had it's gone forever.

_Springtime in the city always such relief from the winter freeze  
Can you believe what a year it's been are you still the same has your opinion changed?  
_

"When I noticed the date, realised it was exactly a year since a simple sheet of paper from a judge who never knew us ended our marriage. On that day I know how much you loathed me, how raw and painful the wounds I'd caused were it is it still what I'll going to see tonight? Do you still wish we'd never met as you told me in that final row, the one that lost me want I didn't realise I still wanted more than life itself?

_I know I let you down again and again I know I never really treated you right  
I've paid the price, I'm still paying for it every day  
_

The sun shining in the windscreen as I make the drive to you home, the one that we used to share, feels like it's mocking me with it's warmth, reminding me if everything from how beautiful you were the day we married to the way the tars in your eyes glistened in the summer sun this time last year when we left the courthouse and you walked away from me forever.

I know it s my fault, I know I made the mistake of forgetting what I had in you and throwing it ay. I know I took all the love you felt for me and trampled it to death. I know I mistook your stoicism for acceptance and ignored how much I was hurting you but that's a mistake, a whole catalogue of mistakes that I have to live with, I have to sleep every night without you by my side and wake up to the fresh grief of your loss and have no one to blame but myself.

_Maybe I shouldn't have called was it too soon to tell  
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?_

Sitting in the driveway trying to pluck up the courage to go inside I'm not sure if this is even a good idea anymore. Is there somewhere we can be right now? Something we can be to each other? When we were together, before I screwed it up, I never believed we'd be in this position. I thought what we had defied explanation and was untreatable. I never dreamt that I would be the one to shatter it like I have and now that you're standing at the open door looking out at me it's like a sledgehammer to my stomach. You look spectacular. You look so different and I realise the changes in you at the end were a reaction to me, to what I was doing and now without me you've blossomed again, become the woman I married, the woman I threw away. Just another reminder of my own stupidity.

_Because I don't know you anymore I don't recognise this place  
The picture frames have changed so has your name  
_

"You shouldn't have I told you not to." You're turning the bottle over in your hands refusing to meet my eyes and I know this was a mistake.

"It's your favourite I just thought you know with the date and everything maybe..."

"It used to be my favourite when drinking it still reminded me of our honeymoon and that memory still made me smile." The bottle abandoned on the coffee table I realise as I look around that inspire of having spent twenty years of my life in this house I don't know it any more than I know you right now. "I called the station today, asked to speak to Chief Superintendent Innocent, the desk Sargent didn't know who I was talking about. You went back to your maiden name?"

"She's new she didn't know me then, she did out you though once someone had told her but you'd hung up." I know. I can't tell you that though. I can't tell you that when I heard the familiar male voice explain that I was looking for chief superintendent Martin, that you used to be married but had changed your name back after your divorce I found it impossible to speak to you, that the wind had been knocked out of me.

_We don't talk anymore we keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again  
_

The silence between us is clawing and I know I have to go, I can't put you through this again, if that's cowardly I'm sorry but we need to keep running from this moment at least for now and you don't even try to stop me when I say I'm going, that I shouldn't have come and all but run back to the car.

As the engine start I see you watching me from the window and realise you have moved on much better than me, there's a smile of understanding, barely there but enough for me to recognise it and I know my time with you truly has passed. With a final snapshot in my mind if the treasure I so stupidly squandered I drive away. Away back to a life without you, a life full of regrets and a life that will forever be haunted by the image of you and want I could still have.


End file.
